


Jailbait

by magique



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crack, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-14
Updated: 2008-12-14
Packaged: 2017-10-09 22:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/92195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magique/pseuds/magique
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaku has a strange effect on the workers of Galley-La when he arrives; Kalifa forces him to do something about it … kind of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jailbait

**Author's Note:**

> For livejournal's op_fanforall: "The workers of the Galley-La talking about our all time favourite jailbait: Kaku."  
> Spoilers for the Water 7/Enies Lobby arc.

Kalifa hears them, every day through the first few weeks after arriving at Water 7, right outside her door, talking about Kaku. It isn’t even subtle, not with Tilestone shouting every comment he makes (occasionally a, “LOOK AT HOW BIG HIS HANDS ARE—YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,” and every now and then, “I THINK HE’S CUTE.”). It makes Kalifa wonder if her fellow agent has guessed who they mean yet.

He probably has, what with the glances of barely concealed terror Kalifa’s seen him shoot across the shipyard, and she’s still trying to decide whether she finds the whole thing amusing or disturbing. Lucci appears to think it’s hilarious, in his own way, and Hattori hasn’t looked so cheerful since Kaku was still weak enough for Lucci to destroy him in training every morning. And Blueno, being utterly Blueno, cares so little he usually acts like he hasn’t noticed.

The culmination starts when the workers stop trying to hide it; when walking across the shipyard to discuss something with Iceburg means observing the increasing amount of _touching_ that was going on, when seeing through Kaku’s mild expression means noticing a look of a man about to break.

It’s a Thursday morning when it happens. Kalifa is inspecting Iceburg’s schedule for the next few weeks to re-enter an appointment that was intentionally missed—she’s quickly growing used to Iceburg’s whims, even the ones that don’t make sense, which isn’t that strange considering who she’s spent most of her adult life with.

There’s a yelp outside and then a deafening wolf-whistle that almost causes Kalifa to rip out the page she’s turning and makes her ears ring. That could _only_ be Tilestone, and it means that the yelp was certainly Kaku’s.

Kalifa has barely finished this thought when she is alerted to Kaku’s entrance to _her_ office when her door is almost removed from its hinges in his desperate attempt at escape.

The ruckus from outside becomes suddenly louder before the door slams shut so hard Kalifa’s ears ring _again_. She decides to forgive him, though, because the way he hits the floor and begins to sob suggest he might not take her usual response altogether too well.

Water 7 has made Kaku quite partial to emotional outbursts; something Kalifa is not at all qualified to deal with, and certainly something unexpected from calm, quiet Kaku. Although, she has noticed that new faces tended to make him much more inclined to smile and had thought it may be a defence mechanism of some kind. _Crying_ doesn’t seem to fit with this, but, she supposes, Kaku should be granted some leeway after what he’s been through in the past few weeks. Even if he seems to unintentionally provoke it by walking around sweaty and bare-chested while he works.

Perhaps it would be wise to show some form of kindness now to prevent Kaku screwing up their mission. After all, she can tell Fukurou about this when they return to Enies Lobby.

“Kaku,” she tries, “are you alright?”

Another sob. There is something very different between feigning sympathy for the benefit of finishing off a target and being faced with the break down of one of her own team, and Kalifa feels distinctly uncomfortable. After all, Kaku would see through any insincerity automatically so there is no point bothering to pretend he is someone else.

Perhaps the most comforting thing would be to act more like herself anyway. This established, Kalifa picks up the tissue box from her desk and throws it across the room, missing Kaku’s head by inches. She ignores his shocked protests and resumes trying to find a new time for that dentist appointment Iceburg had decided not to go to last week.

As she flips through the schedule, Kalifa hears the noises coming from the door grow quieter and quieter, turning to sniffles and nose-blowing before stopping altogether. She smiles, penning in the appointment for next Tuesday at 11, and raises her head.

Kaku stands and crosses the room, landing heavily into one of the seats on the other side of her desk. He places the tissue box in its rightful place and, despite the dent in one corner, it looks as if it had never moved.

Kalifa lets her pen fall to the desk and watches Kaku inquisitively.

He has the decency to look embarrassed, but whether it is because he just cried like a child in front of his colleague or because of whatever just occurred outside is unclear. After a pause, he looks away.

“They don’t _train_ us for this,” Kaku says, sounding annoyed and a little distraught, but mostly flustered.

“No, they don’t,” Kalifa affirms. The discomfort is wearing off now that Kaku looks mostly back to normal, so she can enjoy this moment to its fullest potential.

Kaku’s head hits the desk and he moans. “They _should_.”

“Mmm,” Kalifa says, because it's obvious that Kaku's going to expect some advice and she can't really be bothered humouring him. She opens a draw in her desk and pulls out a stack of files. “It’s just not something they expect to happen. This sort of situation isn’t exactly common.”

Kaku tilts his head enough to scowl at Kalifa, an angry blush coating his check, but says nothing, allowing her to carefully sort the files alphabetically and pretend he isn’t present—she’s _still_ getting this stupid office in order after being here for weeks because Iceburg didn’t seem to know a bad secretary when he looked at her résumé and his last one had obviously been _awful_.

“I know it’s all good-natured, but it makes it so hard to _concentrate_,” Kaku sighs after a lengthy silence. “What should I do, Kalifa?”

Kalifa observes the young man, shirtless and red-faced, without sympathy and says, “Perhaps, Kaku, you should show the workers what they want to see or stop teasing them and put some clothes on.”

Kaku’s eyes widen in an almost comical horror.

It doesn't have quite the full effect she'd intended, Kalifa decides, frowning thoughtfully, so she tries something else.

“You do have a case for sexual harassment,” she says at last, pushing her glasses up her nose. “I can talk to Iceburg if you’d like.”

The way Kaku pulls his jacket from around his waist and zips it to the top probably means he doesn’t much like that suggestion either.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm whatevermortal on [tumblr](http://whatevermortal.tumblr.com/) &amp; also [dreamwidth](http://whatevermortal.dreamwidth.org/) and i _always_ want new fandom buddies on both yo


End file.
